Ebert’s reported three-star review praises the improbable combination of the film’s parts and Schwarzenegger.
Three stars surprises one participant, who expected two and a half; another stresses how many different elements Schwarzenegger carries.

Half-Assed Internet Research

Schwarzenegger is reported to have pushed for child-abuse and divorce themes.

In the discussion (2)

Approx. transcript time · 00:36:07Read transcript

Research is cited for Schwarzenegger wanting the film to address real child-abuse issues.
His interest in divorce themes is contrasted approvingly with stereotypical action-star concerns about appearance and trailers.

Casting What-Ifs

Reported alternatives include Murray and Swayze; DeVito, O’Hara, Bullock, Wood, Slater and an uncertain Hepburn story follow.

In the discussion (6)

Approx. transcript time · 01:07:13Read transcript

Bill Murray and Patrick Swayze are reported as lead considerations; Murray is rejected by the speakers, Swayze interests them, and a later Keanu Reeves/Hardball version is imagined while Schwarzenegger remains preferred.
Roadhouse dialogue, throat-ripping and a crude prison taunt are jokingly transplanted into Kindergarten Cop rather than reported as actual scenes.
Reported DeVito consideration is questioned because the police role seems implausible despite the opposite height joke; a Roadhouse crossover with Sam Elliott is imagined.
Catherine O Hara is reported unavailable because of Home Alone; Sandra Bullock and Elijah Wood are said not to have landed parts. The speaker’s identification of Joyce as the abused child’s mother is uncertain.
Christian Slater is said to have been considered for Crisp after Heathers but to have chosen Pump Up the Volume, which receives approval.
A story that Audrey Hepburn rejected Eleanor Crisp because she loved children is explicitly treated as unverified; the thermometer scene is joked about.

Recasting Couch

Cameron is proposed to direct; Roberts, Cage, Turner and several mother-role alternatives are suggested.

In the discussion (5)

Approx. transcript time · 01:11:43Read transcript

James Cameron is proposed with Jamie Lee as the other teacher and increased violence/production value; a joke imagines tall blue students with tails.
Given the star and director’s status, a more ambitious cast is wanted, with Julia Roberts as the teacher on the run.
Nick Cage is proposed as Crisp and receives approval.
Faye Dunaway, Shirley MacLaine or Ellen Burstyn are offered for the mother; Kathleen Turner replacing Cathy Moriarty is the strongest wish.
Meg Ryan as the partner is questioned because she would need to be the female lead and might imply too much romantic interest; the existing partner’s flirtation and kiss are debated.

Half-Assed Internet Research

Research reports the school location, a private workout gym, deleted scenes, a Criterion prank and five rules for child actors.

In the discussion (4)

Approx. transcript time · 01:15:12Read transcript

Filming at John Jacob Astor Elementary in Astoria, Schwarzenegger’s requested private gym and five cut Stephen Root scenes are reported; details beyond the deleted-scene anecdote are unknown.
Criterion is said to have announced a prank disc release on April1,2012; a later4K release is mentioned.
The Goonies house is reported roughly1.6 miles from the school.
Reitman’s five rules are recited: listen, act naturally, know the character, avoid looking at the camera and be disciplined; camera awareness is thought hardest.

Picking Nits

A final physical brawl is wanted instead of relying on gunshots.

In the discussion (2)

Approx. transcript time · 01:20:55Read transcript

Crisp and Kimball should fight in the shower room after the child gets away, as a standard action payoff.
The objection that Schwarzenegger could not believably be endangered is answered by wounding him with a bullet first.

Picking Nits

The undercover mission, partner’s illness and Kimball’s absent family are questioned.

In the discussion (5)

Approx. transcript time · 01:23:38Read transcript

A physical showdown remains preferred; avoiding it because of children would be inconsistent with the bloody shooting alternative.
The need for two undercover cops in Astoria is questioned when the FBI could instead follow Crisp.
Waiting48 hours for Phoebe to recover is proposed because Crisp is still incarcerated.
The unusually long illness prompts an obviously anachronistic COVID joke, alongside renewed hotel-room and family questions.
The unexplained lack of contact with Kimball’s son makes him look bad; Crisp harming the family or a visa problem sending them to Austria are proposed as more coherent backstories.

Probably Unanswerable Questions

Questions concern a possible Stallone jab, interchangeable supporting actresses and the original teacher’s fate.

In the discussion (3)

Approx. transcript time · 01:29:30Read transcript

Naming the doll-playing child Sylvester is speculated to be a Schwarzenegger/Stallone rivalry jab; Dominic’s name is also queried without an answer.
Pamela Reed and Laurie Metcalf are compared as excellent, potentially interchangeable actors, with Internal Affairs cited.
The displaced teacher’s job and tenure are questioned; an invented return followed by Kimball replacing her again imagines her leaving teaching.

Probably Unanswerable Questions

A radically sadder ending killing Kimball is imagined, following more jokes about the displaced teacher.

In the discussion (3)

Approx. transcript time · 01:31:49Read transcript

The teacher’s long career and family are invented as part of the joke about Kimball replacing her.
Killing Kimball would create a Hardball-style shock, an emotional funeral and a memorial library/statue; Dominic keeping the ferret and an Avengers-style gathering are imagined.
The hypothetical escalates to End of the Road as soundtrack, Crisp escaping with Dominic, the partner teaching and an intentionally bleak fate for Dominic’s mother.

Best Double Feature

Poster unavailable

Total Recall

Poster unavailable

Home Alone

In the discussion (2)

Approx. transcript time · 01:34:51Read transcript

Total Recall is chosen to show Schwarzenegger’s1990 peak.
Home Alone was the other initial choice for the children’s-movie moment, but Total Recall is accepted as better for showing the same actor’s range and expressions.

Producer review

Craig’s inserted first-watch review is positive overall, despite eye rolls and confusion about Crisp.

In the discussion (4)

Approx. transcript time · 01:36:10Read transcript

An absent Craig is explicitly introduced for a recorded review; he calls it an easy watch that leaves him feeling good despite cheesy-line eye rolls with his wife.
He credits1990s earnest obliviousness and Schwarzenegger’s effort, questions Richard Tyson’s identity/mother relationship and motive, and praises the ponytail/hair-and-makeup look.
The unelaborated Austria exchange is his favorite line; he concludes the film succeeds as Schwarzenegger entertaining children.
The hosts thank Craig, then jokingly claim he hated the film and mentioned runtime, contrary to the inserted review’s positive conclusion.