The Great Shot Gordo Award for Most Cinematic Shot
The nightmare scene
In the discussion (1)
Approx. transcript time · 00:47:17Read transcript
- The nightmare is praised as a good surprise after apparently falling asleep with the child.
Categories & segments
The Den of Thieves Benihana Award for Scene-Stealing Location
Astoria is the scene-stealing location.
In the discussion (1)
Approx. transcript time · 00:47:17Read transcript
- Astoria receives the location award and approving agreement.
In the discussion (2)
Approx. transcript time · 00:48:06Read transcript
- Milk is chosen emphatically, with the lip-wiping moment credited for creating unusual sexual tension.
- The flirtation near sleeping children leads to approving comments about the love interest’s attraction to Kimball.
Steven Seagal shitting on himself award for most unbelievable anecdote from the actual film shoot
Premiere quotations describe children noticing nose-picking and Schwarzenegger teaching toughness.
In the discussion (3)
Approx. transcript time · 00:48:34Read transcript
- A Premiere article is quoted for children calling him strange but likable, reporting nose-picking and messy eating, and admiring his ability to lift everyone.
- A Schwarzenegger quotation describes telling a crying child to toughen up after hurting her knee; the speakers contrast this with likely modern objections.
- His intensity about fitness is discussed, including making young children exercise on set.
In the discussion (2)
Approx. transcript time · 00:51:11Read transcript
- Both say their searches failed to find a parody, joking about how the search terms might look.
- A separate search asks whether Crisp’s ponytail is real.
The Butch’s Girlfriend Award for the Weakest Link in the Film
Crisp’s mother-son relationship and the partner’s eating/vomiting material are the weak-link choices.
In the discussion (2)
Approx. transcript time · 00:52:27Read transcript
- The mother-son relationship is mocked as implausibly sexual/Oedipal; alternative relationship explanations are deliberately outrageous speculation.
- Pamela Reid’s ability is acknowledged while her character’s repeated eating and vomiting are named as an unwelcome excess.
What’s Aged the Worst?
Rectal thermometers lead the Aged Worst discussion alongside violence, old classroom practices and uncomfortable gags.
In the discussion (4)
Approx. transcript time · 00:54:08Read transcript
- The pharmacy’s rectal thermometer prompts disagreement about whether it was a common childhood experience or intended to signal the mother’s sadism.
- School arson/shooting, father/job questions, the ferret and the2016 Kindergarten Cop2 are listed; the sequel trailer is disliked and the thermometer is called the winner.
- Kindergarten children climbing a high gym rope over a thin mat are criticized as dangerous and outdated.
- The skirt-looking joke and mother’s reaction are criticized; the partners sharing one hotel room is questioned as a contrivance for the fiance/pasta scene.
Hans Gruber Scale Villain Ranking
Crisp: 6.5/10 and 4/10; his mother: 4/10
In the discussion (4)
Approx. transcript time · 00:59:17Read transcript
- Crisp receives6.5 for being strange and scary, his interrogation taunt, ponytail and clothing, despite limited material.
- A second view gives both Crisp and his mother4 and recalls Richard Tyson in3 o clock high and Two Moon Junction as distracting baggage.
- Brad Wesley in Roadhouse is judged a more consistently effective villain; Crisp’s escalation and uncertain degree of evil are criticized.
- A reported account says test audiences sympathized with Crisp, prompting added nasty behavior; the toy-set assault is suggested as a possible addition.
In the discussion (1)
Approx. transcript time · 01:01:47Read transcript
- Richard Tyson’s climactic monologue is selected and likened to Streetcar-level theatrical acting.
Did This Movie Need a Random Sports Scene?
A recess sports sequence with Schwarzenegger and the children is wanted, especially dodgeball.
In the discussion (2)
Approx. transcript time · 01:02:06Read transcript
- Tag, dodgeball or kickball with Schwarzenegger ordering children around is proposed as irresistible viewing that could have preceded Billy Madison.
- Making the abused child a dodgeball hero is floated; the need for another such scene is reiterated.
The Stephen A. Smith Hottest Take Award
One hot take provocatively defends Crisp; the other would sacrifice the movie to prevent inferior copies.
In the discussion (4)
Approx. transcript time · 01:02:58Read transcript
- Crisp is provocatively defended as a father seeking his son, reframing Kimball and the mother negatively despite Crisp’s violence.
- Over the Top and Commando are comparisons for a father trying to recover a child; Kimball’s separation from his own son is contrasted with Crisp’s persistence.
- The response calls the take great and really impressive.
- The second take would erase Kindergarten Cop to avoid dozens of bad imitators, using an exaggerated Oppenheimer analogy and citing The Tooth Fairy.
Casting What-Ifs
Reported alternatives include Murray and Swayze; DeVito, O’Hara, Bullock, Wood, Slater and an uncertain Hepburn story follow.
In the discussion (6)
Approx. transcript time · 01:07:13Read transcript
- Bill Murray and Patrick Swayze are reported as lead considerations; Murray is rejected by the speakers, Swayze interests them, and a later Keanu Reeves/Hardball version is imagined while Schwarzenegger remains preferred.
- Roadhouse dialogue, throat-ripping and a crude prison taunt are jokingly transplanted into Kindergarten Cop rather than reported as actual scenes.
- Reported DeVito consideration is questioned because the police role seems implausible despite the opposite height joke; a Roadhouse crossover with Sam Elliott is imagined.
- Catherine O Hara is reported unavailable because of Home Alone; Sandra Bullock and Elijah Wood are said not to have landed parts. The speaker’s identification of Joyce as the abused child’s mother is uncertain.
- Christian Slater is said to have been considered for Crisp after Heathers but to have chosen Pump Up the Volume, which receives approval.
- A story that Audrey Hepburn rejected Eleanor Crisp because she loved children is explicitly treated as unverified; the thermometer scene is joked about.
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