How does the axe-clanging cult recruit; did Cobra invent the nitrous boost; did it invent Hero Ball; did it foreshadow evil LA cops; has any star been shot at more by bad aim; does the Night Slasher have the best horror-villain gimmick
How do you join or grow the axe-clanging serial-killer cult? Two axes and a mean look, like the Fight Club entry requirements. — Bill Simmons
Did the movie invent the nitrous boost later taken by Fast and Furious and video games? The speedometer taps out at 130; one thinks it invented it. — Kyle Brandt
Did it invent Hero Ball? He still needs his partner to hit a couple of shots. — Kyle Brandt
Did it foreshadow the era of evil Los Angeles cops, with a high-ranking cop masterminding a serial-killer cult? It planted the flag early. — Bill Simmons
Has any star been shot at more by bad aim than Sly? Arnold is the rival, but Arnold gets wounded while Stallone is never grazed, making Sly the pound-for-pound champ. — Bill Simmons
Does the Night Slasher have the best horror-villain gimmick? He checks most boxes; the only hole is lacking Buffalo Bill's pathology, but his late monologue is disturbing and he has one-punch power alongside Myers, Jason and James Gum. — Kyle Brandt
Brian Thompson wanted more but Sly would not give him the time of day; Thompson appeared in The Terminator's early scene with Paxton and should have been bigger. — Kyle Brandt
Sly's Apex was already Rocky IV; for Brigitte, Rocky IV is suggested, while an alternative pick is Flavor of Love, when she was a huge reality star for a couple of years. — Bill Simmons
The stocking-mask serial-killer gimmick is definitely at Apex Mountain. — Kyle Brandt
Hospital horror scenes are not; that is Halloween II. — Kyle Brandt
Serial-killer cults are yes, since this is the only one. — Bill Simmons
Awkward shoehorned advertising is probably not; Back to the Future or The Wizard, a 90-minute Nintendo commercial, holds it. — Bill Simmons
John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band is probably no, Eddie and the Cruisers instead. — Bill Simmons
San Remos is yes, since nothing else seems to have happened there; knives are yes. — Bill Simmons
Sly screaming for a doctor is still Rocky IV. — Bill Simmons
Motorcyclists getting shot, and definitely motorcycles getting grenaded, belong at Apex, though the bikes look like they go eight miles an hour. — Bill Simmons
Creepy serial-killer vans stay with Buffalo Bill in Sounds the Lams, as transcribed. — Bill Simmons
The 1950s Mercury Monterey has to be Apex Mountain. — Bill Simmons
For 80s movie violence Rambo II remains the answer, with Commando and Total Recall more violent; the grocery gunman shoots a lot of carts. — Kyle Brandt
A new category, not for every movie: the Marion Cobretti underacting award for a performance dialed back so far that subtitles are needed. — Bill Simmons
The first one goes to Sly, who barely gives a shit when he speaks, as in the car scene repeating 'tell it to the judge.' — Bill Simmons
TV reporter questioning Cobretti's tactics; Brigitte Nielsen's wig; the robot fashion / Skid Row montage set to Robert Tepper's Angel of the City; the Dirty Harry villain actor as a punched foil
The TV reporter questioning Cobretti's tactics after the supermarket mass murder is repeated as aged worst. — Bill Simmons
Brigitte Nielsen's wig makes her look like Robert Plant, perhaps to differentiate her from Drago's wife. — Kyle Brandt
The robot fashion montage, cut against Stallone on Skid Row, is laughably out of date; the robots are Stallone's heat check after Pauley's robot. — Kyle Brandt
Robert Tepper's Angel of the City montage is a drop-off after No Easy Way Out from Rocky IV, though the song is liked now. — Bill Simmons
Casting the Dirty Harry villain as Stallone's cop foil and having Stallone punch him is called cruel, an overt shot at Dirty Harry that did the actor dirty. — Bill Simmons
Feel the Heat by Jean Bevoir plays over the second montage; it is then liked and moved to aged best, 'Apex Mountain from music'. — Bill Simmons
An original ending would have revealed a satanic tattoo marking the Dirty Harry actor's character as the real leader of the New Order; the host who read about it was bummed out, while the other, 'going the other way', says it would have been a great ending, and wishes there had been more spitballing for a better version. — Bill Simmons
Opening crime-statistics monologue; the poster; the Night Slasher; match toothpick; Awesome 50 license plate; the name Marion Cobretti; Zombie Squad; the New Order; product placement; shooting range scene
The opening monologue lists burglary, robbery, violent crime, murder and rape statistics: grim, dystopian, Death Wish on steroids. — Bill Simmons
The poster ('crime is the disease, meet the cure') is one of the better movie posters of the last 40 years. — Bill Simmons
The Night Slasher was physically imposing and scary; perhaps Brian Thompson's bad experience with Stallone kept more from becoming of him. — Bill Simmons
Also listed: the match toothpick, the car's awesome 50 license plate, and the 'attitude problem' exchange that seems written for the trailer. — Bill Simmons
Marion Cobretti is a bad-ass name meant to be his Balboa, with jokes about Scorpetti and LSU's Cobretti as a draft-bound kicker. — Kyle Brandt
The Zombie Squad is a great name with zero backstory; the New Order just gathers to clang axes like P90X, and the mole cop and knife-hand cut explain nothing. — Bill Simmons
The product placement roll call (Pepsi, a beer display, Toys R Us, Coca-Cola, a high-life sign) is just great, recalling Marty McFly ordering a Pepsi Free in Hill Valley. — Bill Simmons
Shooting range scenes are always awesome, as in Lethal Weapon and Narc. — Kyle Brandt
Stallone's rewrite of the Beverly Hills Cop script was too expensive, explosive and humorless, so Eddie Murphy was brought in; Stallone kept the renegade-cop idea and made it into Cobra. — Bill Simmons
Cinematographer Rick Waite answered Stallone's complaint about delays by blaming Stallone fooling around with Brigitte Nielsen and showing off for his bodyguards; Stallone cleaned up for about two weeks. — Bill Simmons
Director George P. Cosmodos is described as a figurehead with Stallone effectively directing, and supporting cast and extras were reportedly forbidden to talk to Stallone on set. — Bill Simmons
Brian Thompson, who plays the Night Slasher, repeatedly asked Stallone about the character's backstory and was finally told the guy's just evil. — Bill Simmons
Stallone's mumbling required subtitles; he ran amok for about two months with nobody stopping him, and Thompson, a trained theater actor, was left with no motivation for the role. — Bill Simmons
The source material was the novel Fair Game by Paula Gosling, which was changed a lot, later made into a movie with Cindy Crawford and William Baldwin, and tied to Beverly Hills Cop's origins. — Bill Simmons
The movie almost got an X rating for violence, not sex. — Bill Simmons
The final scene was shot at the Pacific Coast Club in Long Beach; the car was a 1950 Mercury owned by Stallone, with three replicas built for the chase scenes. — Bill Simmons
Knife designer Herman Schneider made the Night Slasher's knife at Stallone's request; with finger holes and spikes like brass knuckles, it is called one of the best weapons in any core action movie and something drawn on school folders. — Kyle Brandt
Drive's director was a huge fan, and the main character's toothpick was a Cobra homage. — Bill Simmons
A TV-series remake was mentioned with 2019 (transcribed 'Stallone animated in 2019'), but nothing had happened after two and a half years. — Bill Simmons
The body count is 52, with 41 killed by Marion Cobretti. — Bill Simmons
Soccer is floated as the sleeper pick and affirmed as a good one, since the film may have gotten people to play soccer like Breaking Away did for cycling. — Bill Simmons
Von Steiner's fate; Stallone scoring the winner; Hatch's future; the Eastern European players; the tub trick; the best fictional sports event to attend
How fast was Steiner murdered after the game, or was he transferred to the Russian front? — Bill Simmons
Stallone reportedly wanted to score the winner; the penalty save as filmed is judged best, with a header the most realistic alternative and a length-of-field punt implausible. — Bill Simmons
Did Hatch keep playing goalie? He goes back to America with his French bride and annoys everyone about soccer.
The Eastern European players who can't play but must be saved from the labor camp: one liked it; they could have been fed enough for one to play a few minutes. — Chris Ryan
Would banging the bottom of the hot tub to drain it flood the tunnel? — Chris Ryan
Best fictional sports event to attend: the Roy Hobbs homer is the usual answer, with Wildcats football mentioned and the Miracle on Ice excluded as real. — Bill Simmons
With Gus, Roy Hobbs is defended against Rocky beating Drago in Russia, and this match is praised for the soccer, bicycle kick, escape and anthem singing.
The Irish goalie's broken arm; Hatch agreeing to be recaptured; letting the escaped Hatch play; Stallone's goalkeeping; Pelé from Trinidad; the down-a-man comeback; the caught penalty; Hatch's unpunished antics; the match going ahead; the broken-ribs bicycle kick; soldiers not firing
Agreeing to be recaptured makes no sense for Hatch, who is free in France with no ties to the players, and his escape seems too easy. — Bill Simmons
The Irish goalie agreeing to have his arm broken may be the number one sports-movie nitpick ever. — Bill Simmons
British prisoners had a sworn duty to try to escape and a many-over-the-few attitude, but the goalie could have faked illness or an injury instead. — Chris Ryan
The Nazis let the just-recaptured Hatch play goal. — Bill Simmons
Stallone's goalkeeping, including slide tackles and coming off his line, is basically rugby. — Bill Simmons
Pele being from Trinidad feels like a violation. — Bill Simmons
Down a man, they score four straight plus a disallowed fifth while a concussed Stallone throws a shutout. — Bill Simmons
Stallone catching rather than tipping a professional's penalty kick. — Bill Simmons
Hatch's badgering to join the team and tackling would have gotten him private piled in that camp, as in the Private Piles analogy. — Chris Ryan
The Nazis would have canceled the game and killed the team once Hatch escaped. — Bill Simmons
A bicycle kick and celebration with seven broken ribs; end credits could have added title cards on each player's fate. — Bill Simmons
Soldiers would start shooting everyone at the end, and the inept Nazi security trope is taken far. — Chris Ryan
Brought in as tie-breaker for the biggest nitpick, the drop-in guest says there is zero chance the goalie lets his arm be broken instead of claiming another injury. — Bill Simmons
It has been debated since about 1982: the arm break is never explained, and it proves pointless once the players stay and only accidentally escape.
His scene chasing Caine around the camp shouting that he does not need Colby or his team shows this is not Paradise Alley; it is not a great look with Houston directing. — Bill Simmons
