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Kindergarten Cop The Rewatchables
Kindergarten Cop poster
Kindergarten Cop

The Dion Waiters Award for Best Heat Check Performance

The overalls girl and anatomy-line child are the Heat Check candidates.

In the discussion (2)
Approx. transcript time · 01:10:51Read transcript
  • The overalls/bathroom girl is favored for unpredictable energy and her later exchanges with Schwarzenegger; unscripted behavior is speculation.
  • The penis/vagina kid is the alternative; he is said to have played Gage in the film transcribed Pet Cemetery, with the actor name unstated.
Kindergarten Cop The Rewatchables
Kindergarten Cop poster
Kindergarten Cop

Recasting Couch

Cameron is proposed to direct; Roberts, Cage, Turner and several mother-role alternatives are suggested.

In the discussion (5)
Approx. transcript time · 01:11:43Read transcript
  • James Cameron is proposed with Jamie Lee as the other teacher and increased violence/production value; a joke imagines tall blue students with tails.
  • Given the star and director’s status, a more ambitious cast is wanted, with Julia Roberts as the teacher on the run.
  • Nick Cage is proposed as Crisp and receives approval.
  • Faye Dunaway, Shirley MacLaine or Ellen Burstyn are offered for the mother; Kathleen Turner replacing Cathy Moriarty is the strongest wish.
  • Meg Ryan as the partner is questioned because she would need to be the female lead and might imply too much romantic interest; the existing partner’s flirtation and kiss are debated.
Kindergarten Cop The Rewatchables
Kindergarten Cop poster
Kindergarten Cop

Half-Assed Internet Research

Research reports the school location, a private workout gym, deleted scenes, a Criterion prank and five rules for child actors.

In the discussion (4)
Approx. transcript time · 01:15:12Read transcript
  • Filming at John Jacob Astor Elementary in Astoria, Schwarzenegger’s requested private gym and five cut Stephen Root scenes are reported; details beyond the deleted-scene anecdote are unknown.
  • Criterion is said to have announced a prank disc release on April1,2012; a later4K release is mentioned.
  • The Goonies house is reported roughly1.6 miles from the school.
  • Reitman’s five rules are recited: listen, act naturally, know the character, avoid looking at the camera and be disciplined; camera awareness is thought hardest.
Kindergarten Cop The Rewatchables
Kindergarten Cop poster
Kindergarten Cop

Apex Mountain

Schwarzenegger; action/kids hybrids; Astoria; comic tumor references; Brookstone: yes

In the discussion (6)
Approx. transcript time · 01:16:44Read transcript
  • The earlier Schwarzenegger apex choice is reaffirmed.
  • Two Moon Junction is preferred for Richard Tyson; Penelope Miller’s apex is left uncertain.
  • Miller’s work with Pacino, De Niro and Brando is praised and IMDb’s four highlighted films are listed; hybrid action/kids movies get a yes.
  • Ghostbusters is preferred for Reitman, Astoria gets yes, undercover-cop movies no, and tumors yes specifically in a comic catchphrase sense.
  • Brookstone is added enthusiastically, though the store in When Harry Met Sally is uncertain between Brookstone and Sharper Image.
  • Expensive gadgets, grip toys, headphones and novelty office objects prompt nostalgic store memories.
Kindergarten Cop The Rewatchables
Kindergarten Cop poster
Kindergarten Cop

Cruise or Hanks?

Cruise is preferred; Hanks with children and Cruise as Crisp are also considered.

In the discussion (3)
Approx. transcript time · 01:19:35Read transcript
  • Cruise is chosen despite seeing how Hanks could work with the children; Jerry Maguire desperation and awkward romance are imagined.
  • Cruise losing control on the first classroom day is a particular attraction.
  • Cruise as Crisp in Frank T.J. Mackie mode is another appealing possibility.
Kindergarten Cop The Rewatchables
Kindergarten Cop poster
Kindergarten Cop

Picking Nits

The undercover mission, partner’s illness and Kimball’s absent family

In the discussion (5)
Approx. transcript time · 01:23:38Read transcript
  • A physical showdown remains preferred; avoiding it because of children would be inconsistent with the bloody shooting alternative.
  • The need for two undercover cops in Astoria is questioned when the FBI could instead follow Crisp.
  • Waiting48 hours for Phoebe to recover is proposed because Crisp is still incarcerated.
  • The unusually long illness prompts an obviously anachronistic COVID joke, alongside renewed hotel-room and family questions.
  • The unexplained lack of contact with Kimball’s son makes him look bad; Crisp harming the family or a visa problem sending them to Austria are proposed as more coherent backstories.
Kindergarten Cop The Rewatchables
Kindergarten Cop poster
Kindergarten Cop

The Vincent Chase Award: Are We Sure This Character Is Actually Good at Their Job?

Kimball fails at protecting Dominic during the fire and shootout.

In the discussion (2)
Approx. transcript time · 01:26:17Read transcript
  • He loses Dominic almost immediately, fails to stop Crisp, gets shot by both family members and needs his unarmed partner’s rescue.
  • Their waiting despite knowing Crisp is out and the witness is dead is questioned.
Kindergarten Cop The Rewatchables
Kindergarten Cop poster
Kindergarten Cop

Sequel, Prequel, Limited Series, or All-Black Remake

A prestige remake would get a trial, with Ritchson and various dramatic actors or athletes proposed.

In the discussion (3)
Approx. transcript time · 01:27:13Read transcript
  • A prestige remake interests the speakers, with Alan Ritchson as Kimball and Paul Mezcal or Barry Keoghan as Crisp.
  • Travis Kelce is offered as an alternative, prompting a joke about Jason playing Crisp.
  • Marshawn Lynch is accepted as another possibility; Aaron Rodgers as Crisp leads to a joke about his undecided playing future.
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